TRUTH : LIES

When you go to the toilet...apologies for another poo related story, but you'd better get used to them because there are many more.

When you go to the toilet and lay down a really massive, solid log do you ever feel some kind of emotional loss? Like a sort of post natal depression. Like something from deep inside you is now missing. Something you nurtured from within is now ejected and fending for itself.
Do you ever hate that poo?

That's post fecal depression.

It eases....with time.

Posted by Dazza at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you noticed that you can't even carry an innocent wrap of ketamine through the streets of Soho without getting barked at by the local drug dog?

Well don't worry, I've worked out how to get past these indescriminate, four-legged, law machines.

Get yourself a dog - or borrow one if you have to. Wrap your drugs in a condom or other such lubricated, waterproof recepticle. Now...carefully...insert the package into the dogs bottom.

When the sniffer dogs start nosing around your dogs bum the police will simply assume their well trained dog is lapsing back into normal dog behaviour and pull it away.

Now your only problem is retrieving drugs from an annoyed Alsation's bottom.

Posted by Dazza at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Gia recently told me this story.

A friend of hers was jogging through central park. He saw someone grab a woman's purse and run off so he gave chase. He started to catch up with the robber and began wondering what the hell he was going to do when he caught up with him. Concerned that the thief might be dangerous he slowed down so as just to keep up with him. He then decided to make contact.

"I hope you can run another 25 miles because I'm a marathon runner!" he shouted.

The crook looked back to see our man striding along easily... and dropped the bag.

Posted by Dazza at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Sitting alongside Speedball 2 and Civilisation 3, Super Cars 2 is one of the best games ever made.

There is a surprising depth to this game. Not only do you have to hone your skills on the tracks and take careful aim with your missiles, but you can also have fun playing it as a trading game.
I'm sure you'll be well aware that prices in the shop vary. Therefore an astute purchase of front firing missiles at £90, can lead to a healthy profit when sold a couple of races later.

Anyway, the reason this entry is here is to remind me of the order in which the races occur. Believe me it's useful information if you want to know when to equip your car with 'supers' and 'nitros'.

Easy Courses
1. Simple first course
2. One jump, one bridge, some banks and a long straight.
3. Winding, thin, flat course with a few hills.
4. Many tunnels and several wide banked straights.
5. Short, fast course with a choice of route and a level crossing.
6. Long course with a difficult jump on a bend.
7. A long straight with tight curves and opening gates.

Medium Level
1. Long course with diagonal run.
2. Bumpy chicane with a wide banked straight.
3. Easy and hard routes; choice of shortcuts.
4. Jumps, crossovers and bridges, the road weaves up and down.
5. Unfenced course.
6. Ground or air routes and a bottleneck.
7. Jumps and level crossings on a circular course.

For added amusement change the name of player one to 'Wonderland' [or 'Sout'] and the name of player 2 to 'The Seer'. This equips your car with everything the shop has to offer.

Posted by Dazza at 01:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)