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December 15, 2005

The sickening responsibility of the potential picture.

or: How Deep is My Paranoia.

When a painting is underway I worry about ruining it as I continue. This, as I have said, is par for the course, part of the deal, part of the Creative Baggage. But it gets worse: if a painting isn’t begun, it is potentially a “good” painting, indeed that would be my express wish, as a result I can worry about ruining it before I even start.

As if it isn’t hard enough starting a painting, with so many elements to consider, to worry about messing up something that isn’t there yet – how stupid is that? But I can spend hours pacing up and down in front of a blank panel, terrified almost.

I know where this particular fear comes from. I feel things so strongly my energy and passion are barely containable, so I fear that my skills aren’t up to my feelings. And they seldom are.

These paintings I do don't look like I want them to. They don’t look like the images and feelings I have in my mind. This is why I keep painting – to try and get closer to expressing what I feel.

Posted by john at December 15, 2005 12:14 AM

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