After lifting the guilt and talking about Jules with Janet, I've been able to fill in the blanks of the last 18 months. The bits I've blocked out because they were too painful, or, because if you don't look, you can't see it happening, and so it's not happening. I've had my head in the sand for a while now. And who would blame me? It's a warm and quiet place. Ask an ostrich.
This story was one of the most powerful. It's moved me and made me realise just how lucky I am, and how amazing and wonderful really being with someone and being present for them can be.
On the night of October 2 2003 the consultants told us that Jules tumour had grown again, and that this time there was nothing they could do. My world collapsed, and the next 48 hours were a complete blank. I hid it away, never to look into what happened again. Until I spoke with Janet last Wednesday about it.
On that night, after we had the bad news we went back into the ward to face Jules. I tried not to cry, in case she got worried. After all, I'd promised her she'd never die, and now, faced with the fact there wasn't anything else anyone could do, I couldn't break down in front of her. I had to be strong. Of course, this didn't last, and within a few minutes I was crying, unable to control my emotions, pain, and anger at what I'd just been told. So, I went to her bedside, sat on a chair, and buried my head in her arms, And the first thing she whispered in my ear? After all the bad news, being told you've only got a few months left, your cards are up? Tears, crying, anger? Nope, she stroked my hair, and said:
To be so present for someone that you forget yourself and be present to the feelings of the one you love. I trust you to look after me, because you trust me to look after you. After all the months of telling Jules not to worry, and putting on a brave face to make her feel safe. And all she had on her mind was making sure I wasn't worrying myself.
Well, I'm crying again. But it doesn't hurt like it has done, it's warm and relieving. And I know I'll be asleep soon, having amazingly powerful dreams once more.